Monday, July 25, 2016

The Next Deadly Pandemic: Rheumatoid Trumpitis

Major Symptom:

RHEUMATOID TRUMPITIS  causes a chronic pain in the ass while simultaneously making the afflicted person a pain in the ass. 

Forget AIDS! Forget Ebola! Forget the Black Plague! The worst pandemic to hit mankind is the deadly ...


Never in the history of the world has there been such a devastating disease! And of all the world's plagues, this one is most assuredly brought on by man himself and not by God - Pat Robertson said so. 

Causes: nature or nurture?

It would s difficult cult to determine whether or not RT is hereditary or developed. We do know that it can be transmitted once it develops to a certain stage. Signs of the dreaded disease have occurred in infants (having a predeliction for reflective, shiny objects, usually gold plated).

Whatever the cause, RT is considered incurable, according to Dr OZ - and who is always right (unfortunately, a primary symptom of the disease) and may slowly but surely take over the world.

And while the cause of this particular condition is not known, what is evident is that it is spread by sheer force of obnoxious ego.

Missionaries have been sent to various third world countries, blaming the pandemic on Hillary Rodham Clinton and, of course, the gays. They tell the people that merely watching the two on television, in political speeches and performing in musicals such as Oklahoma!, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and South Pacific can trigger the condition.* Africa has been put on alert, allowing no one into its countries sporting rainbow-patterned shirts and foreigners whose initials are HRC. 

The afflicted suffer from:

Symptom #2: The affinity to draw crowds of people who have paintings of clowns on black velvet in their trailer's loving room.
#3: Poor spelling and grammar - even in Spanish
#4: The belief that Donald Trump is not Elmer Gantry but a true savior. 
#5: a tendency to confuse Donald trump with David Duke. 
#6: Dining on tacos everyday while espousing affinity of Hispanics
#7: Keeping 1000 SP 18KT Gold Premium Metalic spray paint on hand - for that decorator urge, just in case.
#8: Asking for passports of everyone approaching them within a 125' radius. 
#9: Referring to all daughters as having a "rack"
#10: Having actually subscribed to Sarah Palin's Channel - after it went defunct.
#11: Ending all arguments with "LOSER!"
#12: Believing that Donald Trump will obliterate left-wing Christian persecution (as if it actually existed)
#13: Swirling ten hairs atop their head for that cotton candy look (better done when bald). 
#14: Unrelenting narcissism causing motor accidents (looking only into rear view mirrors) 
#15: Claiming to have the worlds greatest memory (unless making a deposition in a lawsuit )
#16: Refusing to divulge your financial status while telling people you're obscenely rich. 
#17: Supporting small businesses by not paying for their services
#18: Having the I.Q. equivalent to that of a dead battery.

The animosity created by the disease will definitely result in wars, with everyone thinking that they are the center of the universe and should be listened to. The cacophony of bloviating alone will cause deafness. And while production of mirrors will be at an all time high, the supply will not meet the demand - violence and looting will erupt. Shards of broken mirrors will henceforth be kept in elaborate reliquaries. 

Although there is no known cure, the preventative - or PreP - exists, but it is severe:

Tuning out all media until after November 8, 2016.

Good Luck.

*The same goes for every SNL sketch ever written as well as every Stephen Colbert appearance.